you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
