Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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