apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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