It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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