I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
