I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
