the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Randomize
