she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
