Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
