The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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