Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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