I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
