listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
