i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
