just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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