He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
