If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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