saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize