I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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