i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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