Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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