I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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