He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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