I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
