"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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