I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
