Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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