You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
