the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
