how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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