I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
