I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
did i just pee glitter
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
