ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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