she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
