I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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