This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
