It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
