just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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