The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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