M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize