Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
