my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
ugly people sure do ruin things
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
