I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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