Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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