Walk of Shame. In a state park.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
