Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
