I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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