You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
we should paint friendship bongs
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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