Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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