hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
