You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
