My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
