I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
