i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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