I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
