Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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