This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My vagina just clenched in fear
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
