he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
