My liver just broke up with me...
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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