This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
